My mom may have given you a very different answer. In fact, I'm positive she would've. Its a curious thing how others can see things in us that take a good deal of personal reflection to see in ourselves. I mean, okay, I can at times be prone to be an anxious person...like when I'm exposed to the stomach flu (I really should get over that one)...or when I see a spider (I should probably work on that one, too).
But, I'm not afraid of MOST bugs. Deep water wigs me out, but I could care less about heights. Snakes? I love snakes! Blood and other bodily fluids make me gag and not want to touch my dinner (I can assure you I would not make a good nurse), but I'm not afraid of it. The dark? Maybe of the things that are possibly lurking in its shadows, but not the dark itself.
That's the answer I would have given you only a few months ago. But slowly, and yet, kind of all at once, I've started to see myself in a very different light.
I've begun to realize that I'm riddled all over in fears. I'm drowning in them. Fears that are rooted so deep I don't even understand them, and I'm quite convinced that I never will. Not physical fears like being attacked by a wild animal while walking in the dark, or coming face-to-face with giant, man-eating spiders (yeah! that's totally legit), or falling and breaking your neck while skiing; but all consuming fears of mental heartbreak. Fear of regrets. Fear of loss. Fear of reputation. Fear of losing control. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. They paralyze me. They torment me. They cripple me under their ridiculous weight. They lurk in every crevice of my life, waiting to feed on me.
Often, I sit, simply sit, and stare into space, wishing my fears away into nothingness. I feel baffled at how my finite, mortal being is supposed rid itself of my fears. It's true, I do this more frequently than I wish to admit. We are such pathetically forgetful creatures. I am weekly, daily, yes, sometimes even hourly, relearning the lesson that it is not I who rids MYSELF of fears. It is God! It is Jesus!
I think my favorite verse for remembering that God didn't create me to be fearful is 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
I love how it says, "...and of a sound mind." Because, sometimes I wonder at how sound my mind really is. I see the terrors of this world, and how so often they stem from the shaky whims and illnesses of the mind. In the past year, especially, I have seen much more than I ever cared to see of mental illnesses. And, while I don't have bipolar or any one those, I do find myself wading through the murky pools of fear, wondering if I'm seeing anything clearly. And, sometimes, even that makes me fear things.
But, God didn't give me the spirit of fear, or of worry, or of anxiety. He gave me His overcoming power, His love, and HIS sound mind. Hallelujah!
God is constantly reminding me that He did not create me to fear, but to trust. I am to trust in His unfailing love. I am to trust in the power of His blood. I am to trust in Him. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. He WILL NEVER abandon me. I am his child. He is my father. When I'm sinking beneath the tidal wave of my terrors, He is right there to pull me up again. He sustains me.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (ESV)
He is with me. He will strengthen me. He will help me. He will uphold me with his righteous right hand. See that? He isn't upholding me with just any hand. He is upholding me with HIS RIGHTIOUS RIGHT hand.
I am daily learning to allow his peace to fill me. It isn't easy. I know it never will be. However, I know he will never give up on me. His love is truly unfailing, and for that I am truly thankful. Praise His holy Name!
~Brooke
Deep thoughts Brooke and so true.
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