Wait, I Say, On The Lord (A Word Search)

To wait. "chiyl" (kheel) Hebrew: To twist and to whirl. To writhe in pain. To fear. To wait. To bring forth. To dance. To drive away. To fall grievously. To hope. To look or search. To make. To be in pain. To rest. To shake. To travail with pain. To be sorrowful. To tarry. To tremble. To trust. To wait. To be wounded.

The words sunk in slowly. I had to read the list of definitions over again before the significance started making sense.

Psalms 37:6, "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him...." How hard those words feel. It's so simple to require one to rest and to wait patiently, but how does one act upon that? Just...wait? Just have faith? Just rest? What does that even mean? Wait. Have faith. Rest. Sit and be still? Have perfect belief? Feel perfect joy in God's hands? Does He not understand how difficult that sounds?

One moment though...that Hebrew word means to writhe in pain? To fear? To be sorrowful? To be wounded? And yet, somehow to still dance? To still hope? To still abide in rest? Not only does He know it isn't easy, but He acknowledges it? He doesn't give excuse for my fear, but He shows that in my imperfect, human form I will tremble? It's inevitable, and He's aware of that. But, still he helps me to hold on? Suddenly, the meaning is coming alive. He knows that I will fall grievously. He knows that. Yet, He also knows that there will be days when in waiting I feel like twirling in joy!

I squeezed the arm of the rocking chair. All those times when I felt like I was failing in those moments when I despaired utterly because my waiting entailed tears and heartbreak? All those times that I felt broken because I thought faith meant complete happiness and understanding - feelings I didn't have! My head fell back and rested on the chair as I remembered many moments in my life that characterized different acts of waiting on God.

~

The sun shone, but everything felt dark, cold, sad. So often the sun helped, if only a little, but the shadow in my brain seemed only to be deepened on this day. My thoughts felt like a distressed rosebush that was only found to have life after much gentle care and tender weeding. It wasn't really as if my rose bush-likened mind had fallen under a disease, but rather a lack of warmth and water. It didn't feel sick so much as it felt nothing. Nothing. That's what was so awful. The nothing. The deep, engulfing, impenetrable nothing. It was like the space in the universe that is void of atmosphere, therefore void of heat. The heat is there, making it's way towards Earth's atmosphere, yet it's not absorbed, not felt, not known. It was so much of nothing that it pressed down as everything. Everything. All of it. All at once. It felt like there was no escaping the weightiness of every-nothing.

How was one supposed to wait when all they could feel was nothing, and the least they could sense was everything? Rest? Wait? Have faith? It all seemed impossible. But...remember...God is in the business of making the impossible happen.

Waiting in faith came, slowly, learned anew with every breath. It came in simply remembering that although everything felt impossible to comprehend, feel, and dwell on, all I had to do was remember that Jesus is trustworthy. I remembered something I'd heard on the radio, "Faith is not about having some remarkable ability to trust. It's about recognizing that Jesus is trust worthy."

~

I stared at the specs of dandelion dander glistening in the face of the sun. The needles of the tree twinkled in the evening rays. My heart was quiet and still, but joyful. The softest, faintest breeze transported the scent of spring along it's breath. Squirrels quarreled saucily on a branch a distance off. Few birds spoke, but a few. Gold. Green. Blue. The colors of the evening. A chill presented itself. It pulled a splice of reality into the scene. Reality that served only to make it better.

Waiting in faith came softly, as in a simple comfort of hope. 

~

I sat up in bed. I couldn't lie down anymore. Tears stained my face, and my eyes were rapidly reddening and becoming swollen. "Lord, why?" My body trembled. My lungs felt as if they were ripping away from my ribs. "Father why? Why is it so hard, so painful, so awful to allow your will to fill me." Again, a sob racked my body. "I know, there is no doubt in my mind, that your will is better than anything I could ever create myself. Why then, must my heart cry so? Why must I fear so? Why must I beg for my will to be done?" I breathed heavy and calmed for a moment. I stared at the stars and watched the clouds slowly conceal each flicker of gold and then allow it to shimmer again. For a moment I trusted. Then a new sob struck. "Lord, why must I be so human? Why must the very fact that I am human hurt so much?"

 Slumping upon my pillow again,  my eyes carried my vision to the plastic, glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling. My whimpers died for a moment. I was over-tired, over-tired from the day and extremely over-tired of emotions. That probably accounted for most of the tears. I couldn't remember my eyes ever feeling so puffy. "Why must growth be so strongly strung to pain? When will I learn to let go?" I closed my eyes. I no longer whispered in the bleakness, I simply cried out in my thoughts. "Lord, hold me in your arms. Give me the strength to surrender to your will, because I cannot do it on my own. I can't ever do it on my own, and I surely can't do it now. Thank you." I slowly sucked air into my chest and fell silent. Weak. Exhausted. Clinging to the hope of sleep.

Waiting in faith came, but more like a mule being tugged taught by a course, tormenting rope...like writhing in pain.

~

Run. Run. Run. Skip. Giggle. I couldn't help it. The cool dirt squished between my toes. It felt like an adventure. The sugar I'd had definitely didn't hold me back. I glanced back at my friends as I sprinted on ahead, laughing. It felt natural.

Waiting in faith came joyfully, like twisting, and whirling, and dancing. It felt perfect.

~

The book stared back at me. The words neither bounced off the page, nor sunk under the paper. It's bulk felt limp in my fingers. The wall was just there. It didn't seem ominous, but it wasn't comforting. What does one do when a loved one is in danger, or hurting, or abandoning...or being abandoned? How does one react? What is one supposed to feel? Nothing? Everything? Something in between? How much in between? I pray! I know how to do that. I'm no master, but God hears even the feeblest thoughts.

Waiting in faith came, but sorrowfully, as with a wounded heart.

~

The darkness seeped in. The moments seemed weakened against the strength of the pain. Tension sunk into my chest, crawled through my limbs, leaked out my eyelids. It felt as if it planned on settling in for the stay. In that moment I couldn't see past the present, past the grey, past the ick. It's a terrible feeling. If it lasts but a day, or an hour, or even a minute it feels as if the sadness will perpetually paralyze the peace.

My heart cried out, "Lord remind me of your presence." My lips begged for soul manna, for that "what is it?" peace. (Philippians 4:7) I saw no way out of the circumstances, no light at the end of the tunnel. Would the dips ever cease? When would joy reign eternal? I prayed for the sunshine of the day to pour into the blackness of my heart.

What did one do? Where did one go? The past wasn't an option. The future not yet available. The present currently so not endearing. The tears creeped back...no, not again..."argh, midnight lift your ugly vail!", I screamed into my thoughts. "Soul manna," I breathed the prayer again. "Lord, send your peace that passeth all understanding."

I let the tears trickle. The pressure release, at least, felt refreshing. Sometimes, one must simply grit their teeth and bare it. The bleakness won't last forever.

For a moment my mind wandered. Fall was starting its trek to the mountains, coming back for it's annual vacation. The breeze was starting to lead autumn, wafting along it's fingers. It was a sweet day outside. I felt the tightness in my chest relax. My lungs filled deep. It true, the pressure release always comes. Why did I always find that so hard to remember? No change in circumstances had occurred, but the soul manna, the "what is it?" peace, started to soak in again. Thank you, Lord.

Waiting in faith came. It came hard. It came like travailing pain, but it came. It came through His strength. By all means, I know it didn't come through my own.

~

"Chiyl" (kheel) - to wait - Hebrew - It means that life is hard, that being human can feel impossible, that pain is real, and that waiting will feel like writhing sometimes. It also means that God understands. He never intended for us to live this life alone; that was our choice. He was always, is always, and forever will be always here to do the waiting with us. He is here to laugh with us when our waiting feels like hope, and dancing, and resting. He is just as present to wipe our tears when the waiting means to fall grievously, weeping and shaking. Selah.

~Brooke