So here's the thing. Depression sucks. It effects way more people than we realize. And it's hard to talk about. But I have learned that talking about it is the first, most vital, most life giving step of the journey.
I've contemplated writing this post for a while now, but there were several factors keeping me from doing so. I don't keep my struggle with depression a secret. It's a frequently visited topic in my family. The "depression communication hotline" is kept in good repair and we've worked diligently at being honest with each other about our mental states. I'm pretty open about it, really. But that doesn't mean it's a big topic on my social media or blog. Just because I've worked to be open about my depression doesn't always make it easy.
I used to think, "There's a ton of stuff out there about understanding depression, so why should I add to the chaos?" I've changed my mind. It's time to add to that chaos. While there are many other people speaking up and breaking the stigma surrounding depression, I've decided it's important to not leave healthy communication for "other people." Depression is more common than often thought, and we need to gather around each other and support EACH OTHER. Besides, I haven't actually seen anyone discuss depression in a way I would like to see it discussed.
I want to talk about depression in a way that makes it clearer for people in the boxing arena, as well as people on the sidelines. For people who have no clue what it's like to have depression, and for people who need to be reminded for the 87th time TODAY that they're gonna be okay.
Here goes. These are the things I wish people understood about depression.
(I started out trying to organize these according to what I thought was most important, but I soon gave up because I think they are all essential to clear understanding. So please read each one in context with the others.) Also, I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of the science behind depression. I'm no doctor. This is just what I've learned from my own experiences.
Depression is not merely being sad.
One of my largest pet peeves is when people say, "It's up to you to choose which side of the bed you'll wake up on." Don't get me wrong, I so, so, so appreciate people who don't just allow themselves to bend to the whim of every feeling. To a point, our attitude IS a choice that we make. However, that's not how depression works. You can't just say, "I'm going to make a choice to not be depressed today." If you learn how to do that SEND YOUR DISCOVERY MY WAY PLEEEEASE! Depression can include being sad, but (spoiler alert) you CAN be depressed and happy at the same time. More on that later on. Depression can include feelings of guilt, despair, and regret. It can include a lack of appetite, inability to sleep, inability to get up, inability to feel energized even if you slept 10 hours. It can include lack of energy, motivation, will, excitement, hope, determination, emotion, compassion, the list waxes on. The point is, DEPRESSION IS SO MUCH MORE THAN BEING SAD. So, yes, do what you can to choose a good attitude, but GIVE YOURSELF GRACE for the days when it's not that easy.
Depression is different for everyone.
I feel like this should go without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Depression is not one-size-fits all. Just because I don't feel suicidal doesn't mean my depression is more silly than someone who is suicidal. Just because he cuts, doesn't mean I will feel compelled to. Just because her depression causes a lack of appetite, does not mean my depression won't make me want to eat more.
God purposefully made us all different. That's what makes us all so uniquely beautiful. However, it means that we all handle things differently. Depression is different for EVERYONE. The comparison game is a no-no. In this world of depression, we all struggle. We are all challenged individually, and must never ever eeeeverrrr analyze how we ought to feel given how blessed or tormented we are compared to someone else. This world is sinful! We ALL struggle. We are ALL challenged. Don't judge yourself and don't judge others for how you ought to feel in any given circumstance. If we are coming together to bear one another's burdens, does it really matter anyway?
There are two main forms of depression.
Depression can be situational, meaning that it's triggered by a specific thing. Somebody you love leaving. A pet dying. A broken heart. A friend who isn't as loyal as you thought. You name it! But, it can also be entirely because of an imbalance in the levels of serotonin your body produces. (Also, situational depression usually includes serotonin imbalances.) I've had both! And, I actually prefer situational because it's KIND OF easier to work through using healthy thought patterns and good communication.
I found this helpful in understanding my own depression.
Depression can be genetic. I learned in psychology class that just because depression runs in the family does NOT mean you'll get it, but it can be more likely. A good way to say it is that it doesn't indicate a destiny, it merely indicates a vulnerability. But, depression that is genetic is especially keen on playing with the serotonin levels. You might have a great life! A supportive family, wonderful friends, a roof over your head, etc. and life still feels...well...bleth! That may be for a bunch of reasons. One of those may be because your body has failed to make the proper dose of serotonin. Give yourself grace. Give others grace.
Please don't EVER, ever, EVER say to yourself or someone else, "Oh come on! Snap out of it. You don't realize how blessed you are. There are people dying in Africa, but YOU can't seem to be grateful for the gifts right in front of your nose." This indicates that depression is a choice. It's not. Not always.
Depression is liar.
It lies through it's teeth, and it's unfortunately convincing. It says, "Life will always be like this." "You will ALWAYS be stuck feeling like you do in this dark moment." "You're weak." "You've had a 100% survival rate so far, but this time? This time is gonna be the time it all goes south." "If I talk about my depression, I'll scare those closest to me away. Then life will be worse than it is now, so I'll risk bottling it up." "Stupid me! I'm a terrible person for feeling this way." "None of my friends have texted first for a while. What if they all got together and decided they didn't like me?" (Kinda don't want to admit how real that last one was...) The list could go on for pages. Each person will have their own custom fitted lies to conquer, and sometimes their silly... they're still convincing.
OH! Dear soul, depression is convincing. On my worst days, I can think, "Okay! Now we know that it's my depression telling me that this feeling will never go away. And, I know that depression lies, so I can know that that's not true. ...But what if it is true? I've come out of this before, this time will be no different. It's not true. ...but what if this time... Oh! Stupid brain. Shut up!"
My mama said something the other day that meant a lot to me, and I think fits under this category. "You need to stop being afraid of fear. You're starting to worry more that you'll feel depressed forever, then you are actually even worrying about how you feel at this moment. It won't last forever, honey."
You CAN be depressed AND happy at the same time.
I think this one is one of the hardest to understand, both for people in the thick of it, and those watching from the window. You can be happy AND depressed at the same time.
I'm a naturally bubbly, happy person. I smile a lot and that smile is genuine. I laugh and I giggle a lot. I love people. Because of this, people don't often see when I'm feeling depressed, and a lot of people seem genuinely shocked when they hear that I battle depression on a regular basis. But, I never purposefully hide my depression. If people ask, I'll tell them. Often I'll even volunteer the information. One of my greatest fears is that people will think my smile is a coverup. It's not. I smile because I love to smile.
Looking back, many of the times when I was most depressed, were when my life was most wonderful. It's almost as if our brain catches on and thinks, "Ha! This year, these people, this life? I bet ya it can't get any better. What if it only get worse from here? oh. If that's the case, I have nothing to look forward to. It's all downhill from here. Welp! Funny, I guess there's not much point in feeling excited about life." I kid you not! Sometimes I think that's exactly what my brain is saying to my heart, and the words taste sour.
Here's the thing! These may be some of the best times of your life, or they may be some of the worst, but YOU are more in control of how wonderful your life is than your circumstances. If you look for truth, beauty, and goodness. You WILL find them. If you look for lies, disappointment, and grievances...honey...you'll find 'em.
Communication is VITAL
I have two things to say here.
First, for those of you who battle depression, you need to find someone (or a few people) who you can trust. Once you've done that, be intentional about communicating. This doesn't mean you have to completely debrief on your confidant. Sometimes you will need to get everything off your chest, but sometimes all you need to do is say, "Hey! I'm struggling today." This keeps you from bottling it up, and it helps the other person know when you need a few extra prayers and a lot of extra chocolate.
I haven't always known how to be okay with people knowing about my depression. Learning to talk about it doesn't happen over night. It was a long journey for me, and I'm still growing in it. But, the day I learned to be open about it, was a day that chains were loosened.
Second, for those of you who ARE the confidant for someone else, you aren't there to fix things, you're there to listen and support. There will be times when gracious advice is needed, but often, probably more than you think, you just need to remind them that they'll be okay.
Don't be shocked by what you're told. One thing depression is good at is convincing us that we're horrid people and everything we are is shocking...which let's be fair...is rarely the truth. But, on some days we still believe it, so if you act shocked (even if it is shocking) it WILL NOT help us open up another time. We need someone who will support us no matter what. (The only time you can act shocked is if we tell you we're planning a murder. Then by all means, act shocked all you like!)
*DISCLAIMER* This doesn't mean that you can't give us some tough love sometimes. Tough love is healthy and good and keeps the world in it's place, just make sure you do it with a good dose of mercy and wisdom.
If you need medication, it doesn't mean you failed
There are several effective and natural ways to treat depression, but if those don't work it's OKAY to get more professional help. Also, it's totally possible that natural solutions will work for a while, but not permanently. That's how it worked for me. Basically, the point here is, it's okay to need medication, just make sure you have a good doctor. Also, good counselors are important as well.
Depression is no discriminator of persons
It can start early. My depression started when I seven. Strange enough, I'm actually thankful that it started so early for me. In some respects, I think that kids have stronger stamina and my childhood depression allowed me to have a solid understanding of healthy coping patterns BEFORE I hit college. BLESSINGS!
It's not always an overwhelming amount of emotions
Often depression isn't about feeling everything deeply, it's about feeling nothing at all. In a previous post I put it this way: "I didn't feel sick so much as I felt nothing. Nothing. That's what was so awful. The nothing. The deep, engulfing, impenetrable nothing. It was like the space in the universe that is void of atmosphere, therefore void of heat. The heat is there, making it's way towards Earth's atmosphere, yet it's not absorbed, not felt, not known. It was so much of nothing that it pressed down as everything. Everything. All of it. All at once. It felt like there was no escaping the weightiness of every-nothing."
Depression and anxiety are not the same thing, but they're often synonymous.
The heading describes this one pretty fully. I don't see much need to expound upon it.
I seem to have reached the end of most major things I feel need to be said about depression. It's a journey and I'm constantly learning/re-learning things. This is a topic that is largely part of who I am, and thus I felt it needed some attention. I would love to cultivate a safe place to talk about it here, so if any of you have things you want to add (or things you appreciated that I mentioned) let me know in the comments and we can talk about it together.
Remember this. Sometimes you need to have faith I joy. That's okay. You're not the only one. Hold on.
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