I'm Rooting for You

Life has been pure chaos lately. I've had no down time. Last quarter was definitely my most challenging quarter of college thus far. I'd wake up, throw on clothes, and run like a screaming mad woman from eyes open to eyes closed. I'm working at camp this summer, and surprisingly have MORE free time than I've had in a long time. WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING! My energy is tanking - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been in a semi permanent stage of surviving versus thriving for an incredible amount of time. And, I'm getting discouraged.

I'm losing myself in the hubbub of necessities. I know it's just a season, but dang, it's been a long season of "just do the next thing now, worry about the rest later." My hobbies have virtually died. I hardly ever read anymore, as far as reading for myself goes. My writing? Well, you know how that's been... I either have no inspiration (because exhaustion), not an ounce of time to write what IS on my heart, or I'm thoroughly pooped (because exhaustion) and I resort to going to bed. Survival has a way of winning out. My guitar has been untouched, by me, for months. Thank you, Tobi, for giving it some love. Keeping on top of my allergens has been fully disheartening, which means so has trying to stay healthy and fit. I have felt like I'm being slowly drug into a whirlpool, and I'm not sure how much longer my swimming skills can keep me afloat.

It's discouraging. It's only a season, but dang, it's been a long one.

I'm basically a low energy person living a high energy life. There is no end in sight, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

Last night, I was thinking about how discouraged I'm feeling. This settled on my thoughts - follow it to the end.

***

What I'm trying to do right now IS impossible. There is no FREAKING way I can accomplish all the things I need to, should do, and want to do in one day. No. Way. Unless maybe I eighty-six sleeping and became a super-human, human-super.

I want to become the best version of myself. I want to follow my dreams. I want to pursue my goals. I want to improve in my hobbies. I want to thrive. But, that hasn't all happened.

People say, "If you want to write better, exercise that skill every day."
People say, "If you want to get better at playing guitar, play it everyday."
People say, "To pursue the reading life, find at least a few minutes to embrace a book everyday."
People say, "To stay connected to The Branch, drink deep from His presence every day."

AND IT'S ALL TRUE

But, if I did everything I'm advised to do everyday, I'd be awake 26 of the 24 hours... you do the math.

What happens on the days when it can't happen? Where do the weeks go when it still hasn't happened? How many years do the months turn into?

I wrote out a list of the things I technically should get done every single day. Just the little things. ONLY the things that keep me balanced. ONLY the things that keep me moving forward.

Drink water
Eat three balanced meals (Watch for allergens)
Read my Bible
Thankful journal
Pray
Exercise
Read for fun
Tidy up around me
Reach out to a friend
Brush my teeth (generally considered important)
Clean my body
Brush my hair
Take 5 minutes to slow down and be present
Practice my Spanish flash cards
Spend some time writing each day
Practice guitar
Find a reason to laugh
Be available for those who need a listening ear
Engage in creativity
Carve out unstructured time
Go to bed early.

And now I see, it's impossible.

What about making money? Paying for college? Going to college? Being a responsible, reliable person? Deadlines? Healthy coping with heart hurts?

What happens when the only week off you had this summer was spent organizing and packing for the whole next year? What happens when the car has a flat tire on your only day off, and it takes you an hour to put on the spare? What happens when your homesick and friendsick heart "wastes time" on media to be reminded that there are people out there who ACTUALLY know you, love you, miss you, and care for you? What happens when you don't know whether to spend free time sleeping (resting physically) or being creative (resting mentally)?

But then I remember, a while back Mama told me, "Some days success means saving the world. Some days it just means brushing your hair."

Accomplishing everything I want to right now is impossible, but that doesn't mean I'm not a success. That? That's hard to embrace. That? That's vital to embrace.

I'm rocking life right now.

No, some things haven't been getting done - some at all, some just not as thoroughly as I'd like. My guitar remains untouched. I still have more unfinished blog posts than I have completed ones. I haven't brushed up on my Spanish this summer... but I'll survive in Peru, right?! I haven't intentionally exercised at all lately. It's just a fact.  I simply haven't had the opportunity to rest, quiet-like, in God's peace as much or as long as I'd like lately, but He has kindled the song in my heart. He's been with me on the go, and he's heard my prayers of "Give me strength. Keep me going. Seek me, Lord, because my heart is worn." He's been waiting in the small moments that I HAVE found to meet him in His word.

Some days I forget to search for beauty. Some days I never reach out to any friends. Some weeks creative time doesn't happen.

I'm still discouraged, but "some days being successful just means brushing your hair." It's just hard when that starts to become a theme. But, even themes change. This season has been long, but it's just a season.

Take hope. Take heart.

To quote a friend, taken from a slightly different context but still relevant, "Strap on your confidence and enjoy this theme, as difficult as it is sometimes. <3 I'm rooting for you."

~TBS~